


In My Head (A Holtzbert Fanfiction)

by jholtz



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 06:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11285901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jholtz/pseuds/jholtz
Summary: Erin Gilbert struggles when feelings that she's been trying to suppress for her entire life are awoken by her friend and fellow Ghostbuster, Jillian Holtzmann.





	In My Head (A Holtzbert Fanfiction)

**Author's Note:**

> bold + italics = Erin's internal thoughts  
> bold + underlined = text messages  
> WARNINGS: occasional profanity (PG-13 at most); internalized biphobia (w a happy ending)

Erin Gilbert woke abruptly from a dreamless sleep. For about five seconds, she lie in peace, simply taking in the cool air flowing through her small apartment. Then, _it_ popped into her head. _It_ was the sort of problem that was nagging at you constantly; even if it wasn't at the forefront of your mind, it was always lingering in the back, casting a dark shadow over even the happiest of times. She tried her best to only really think about it in the night, when the darkness could swallow her secrets and hide her tears. 

She forced herself out of bed and into the living room, where she turned the news on in an attempt to distract herself. She then moved into the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot. In the background she heard the anchorman announce the date. 

"Saturday, June 10..." 

"Damn," Erin muttered to herself. It was Saturday- that meant that unless they got a call, there wasn't any work. Nothing to distract her. She was all alone with her thoughts until Monday. She moved back into the living room and plopped herself down on her small, shabby couch to wait for her coffee to be done. But when she shifted her gaze toward the stiff- haired news reporter on her small TV screen, something caught her eye. On the little table in front of her was screwdriver. Erin, despite her genius in the science field, couldn't tell you two different types of wrenches to save her life. There was no way it belonged to her. It was her’s. The one who had set off the chain of terrifying realizations in Erin's head. It was Jillian Holtzmann's. 

Erin didn't blame Holtz for any of her grief. At first she did; she thought it was Jillian's fault that she was suddenly thinking these new, dangerous thoughts. The way she winked at her with her sky blue eyes, how she seductively bit her perfect pinks lips, how whenever she danced she rhythmically rolled her body as if trying to taunt Erin… and then suggesting that the two of them were a couple... But Erin soon realized that it couldn’t be Holtz’s fault because looking back, Holtzmann wasn't be the first girl to make her feel this way. Holtzmann wasn't the first girl who she'd wanted to be more than friends with. 

All her life, she had been made fun of for her work. She couldn't handle this too. And what would it do to her parents if they found out she wasn't only attracted to men? Her relationship with them was already strained enough due to her decision to study ghosts. She knew they cast her out completely if they knew she wasn't straight. 

Her coffee pot started beeping loudly, letting her know her beverage was finally ready, and it snapped her out of her trance. **_I can't do this today_** she decided. She would to go to the Firehouse and try to find something to work on to distract herself. She went into her room, threw on some jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers, grabbed her coffee, and headed out the door. 

… 

"Happy Tuesday, boss!" The friendly voice of Kevin, the receptionist for the Ghostbusters, called after the brunette. 

When she arrived at the Firehouse, Erin had been walking quickly with her eyes fixed on some unknown point ahead of her, so she nearly jumped out of her skin at Kevin's greeting. 

"Jesus!" she took a moment to catch her breath. "Kevin, there's no work today, you can go home. It's Saturday, not Tuesday." 

"Isn't Tuesday the one that comes after Friday?" 

Erin let out a deep, exasperated sigh. "No, Saturday comes after Friday, Tuesday comes after Monday." 

"Oh. Well then, I'll be off." 

As he gathered his things, Erin watched him. He was tall and muscular, with well-kept blonde hair and kind blue eyes. Erin tried her best to recapture the feeling she used to get when she looked at him. And she almost did. But when he turned around and she saw the blue in his eyes, she wasn't thinking about him at all anymore. She was imagining Holtzmann's eyes, bluer than any sky God himself could ever dream up, inches away from her own, staring straight into them, full of love. What she wouldn't give for her fantasy to become a reality... 

"Everything alright, boss?" Kevin asked, dragging Erin back down to earth. 

She cleared her throat, embarrassed, as if he could see what she had been envisioning. "Yes. I'm fine. Please go home, I need some time alone." 

Not being the brightest crayon in the box, Kevin took her word for it. 'Alright. I'll call up Bennie then, see if he's free." 

"Bennie? The lazy delivery boy for the Chinese restaurant? " 

"Yeah, yeah. We're dating. Alrighty, see you in a week, then?" 

"No, Kevin, the day after tomorrow. Monday. It's been the same schedule for a ye-" But Kevin was already out the door. 

Erin laughed and shook her head. This whole time, Kevin was gay. She began to go to her work station, but halfway there she stopped. She looked at the staircase to her right. Up there was Jillian's work station. _ **I shouldn't… It's not going to make me feel any better.** _ Her feet decided, though, that she should, and she tentatively made her way up the stairs and around the corner to Holtz's workplace. 

Erin's eyes hungrily devoured everything in front of her. Holtzmann had made herself completely at home here; the essence of the engineer was captured entirely. Scraps of metal, scribbled notes, and half finished inventions were scattered everywhere.  
She approached the desk cautiously, even though she knew she was alone, and picked up a tie Holtz had left. The tie looked like it was probably from a thrift store- from the clearance rack at a thrift store. It was made of awkward material and had a wacky pattern, but Erin could see in her mind Holtzmann wearing it and looking absolutely perfect. It fit Holtz's personality- one of a kind. A little off, but that only made Erin love it even more. Erin held the tie to her chest and began to cry. She was so in love with this woman, but she couldn't show it. She was still too terrified to share that part of herself with the world.

"Erin?" the voice of Patty, another Ghostbuster and a dear friend of Erin's, called from across the room. 

Erin felt her heartbeat in her throat. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe. "I- uh-” she attempted to choke out an explanation. 

"It's okay," Patty wrapped her arms around the shorter woman. "Let’s get something to drink at that new coffee shop and sit at the park for a while, and you can tell me what's on your mind." 

… 

“So,” Patty said to her anxious friend while they sat on a park bench, sipping their steaming beverages (Patty had insisted Erin got hot chocolate instead- coffee wouldn't help with her nerves). “Start from the beginning. How did you come to crying over a tie? I’m not judging, but you know that I’m always gonna be honest with you, and if I’m being honest, from an outside view it looked a little weird.” 

Erin laughed and sniffled. “It does sound silly, when you say it out loud.” 

“See, there you go. You’re already lightening up, like none of us have seen you do in a long time. So what’s on your mind that’s been keeping the Erin we all know and love in the dark?”

“Well… it’s just that the- um- the Erin that you know and love isn’t actually Erin. There’s something about myself that I haven’t shared with any of you, and it’s kind of been weighing me down.”

“Look, whatever it is you can tell us. We’re your best friends. We’ve been through everything together- we saved the world from a mob of angry ghosts together. No matter what, none of us will ever leave you or think less of you. You, me, Abby, Holtzy, and Kevin are a family.”  
  
“I'm sorry, Patty. I can't.” She stared intensely at the taller woman, hoping that she could somehow tell her without speaking the words. Patty stared back, sympathetic and warm but clearly not receiving Erin's message. 

“Alright. But just know that whenever you're ready to tell us, we’ll be there.” 

“Thank you, Patty. Really.”  
  
And then Erin was alone again. She kept busy by watching the people strolling through the park, wondering what life was like for them, what stories each person had to tell. After a while she saw two elderly women walking together, probably talking about the weather or church or  
gardening, as older people tend to do. Then, to Erin's surprise, one woman very sweetly leaned over and kissed the other.  
  
Normally Erin would have turned away in mock embarrassment at the sight of women kissing to ensure that no one could tell she wanted the same thing. This time it was different. She continued to watch the couple stroll happily in the sunshine. A sudden epiphany hit Erin in that moment. _**I want to be that happy someday. I'm so tired of hiding. I am constantly physically and emotionally drained all because I spend every waking moment running from myself. I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. I only have one short life, and I'm not going to waste all of it fighting against doing what is happy and natural for me because I want to make other people comfortable. I think with Holtz I have a real chance at something like those women have. I love her, dammit, and I'm not going to waste another**_ _ **second keeping that inside.** _  
  
She pulled out her phone to send a text to Abby, Patty, and Holtz.

 **Please come to the Firehouse. I have something important to tell you.**

Her thumb hovered hesitantly over the send button. She could feel her palms getting sweaty and her heart pounding in her throat. Before she could hit send, her phone buzzed. There was a text from Abby.  
  
**Ghost to bust at the Museum of Modern Art. Seems urgent. Meet us at the Firehouse ASAP.**  
  
“Shit.” Erin and Patty had taken their time getting to the park, but now there was a ghost on the loose, and no time to waste. If she took a taxi, she would just get stuck in traffic. Seeing no other option, she tossed her hot chocolate in the trash can and ran to the Firehouse as quickly as she could. 

...  
  
When she got there the girls had already left. Abby had left a quickly scribbled note pinned to the door saying they were sorry but they couldn’t have waited any longer. Erin panicked. She had no way to get there besides running, and something horrible could have happened by the time she made it. Okay, Erin, breathe. That's it. Now, calm down and think. There has to be something you can still do to help, some way to get there… “The bike!” she shouted.  
  
After the Ghostbusters saved New York, the mayor had offered to provide them with anything they needed to bust more ghosts. The first request was the Firehouse, and the second was a motorbike for Holtzmann. Of course Erin, Abby, and Patty had some initial reservations. No one thought it was a good idea for Holzmann to have a motorcycle to use at will. Considering, though, that Holtz was in charge of much more dangerous equipment, they agreed that she could keep the bike, under the condition that she used it for emergencies only.  
  
Now was the first time the bike had a real use. Erin found it hidden behind the Ecto-1. She ripped off the electric blue tarp to reveal a black motorcycle painted to look like neon green slime was dripping down all over it. The Ghostbusters logo had been painted on the front and sirens had been attached to the back. Erin caught herself admiring Jillian's handiwork and forced herself to direct her attention to the task at hand. 

"Alright. This can't be  _that_ hard. You just have to-" Erin turned the keys and revved the engine, jumping at the deafening sound it made. She took a deep breath and shakily hopped on the bike. Surprisingly, she found herself out on the street in a matter of seconds, weaving in and out if cars. No one, including Erin herself, would have ever pegged her for a biker.  _ **Erin Gilbert, particle physicist and bi biker girl.**_ She smiled to herself. She liked that title. 

Soon Erin was at the site of the haunting. This was bigger than anything the girls had seen in a while. The police were blocking off crowds of onlookers; ambulances and fire trucks waited on the sidelines, not quite sure what they could do to help. Erin pushed her way to the front of the crowd and the police officers, recognizing her equipment, let her behind their gates. She ran as fast as she could through the doors and into the center of the building where Abby, Holtzmann and Patty were attempting to take down the poltergeist. Just when Erin reached for her proton gun to shoot for the spectre, the spirit shot some of its energy straight at Holtzmann's chest. The blonde fell to the ground.

"Holtz!" Erin screamed and ran to her. Everything else seemed to fade away. Nothing, not even the ghost that was tearing apart the building around them, was more important than Holtzmann. Erin cradled the engineer's still body in her arms. "Holtz, oh my God. I- I don't know what's gonna happen. But I've been keeping a secret for a very long time and I don't even know this, but in case this is the last chance I have to say it... Holtzmann, you're the love of my life." Holtz remained motionless. Erin pulled Jillian closer and wept. 

Then a quiet whisper came, only loud enough for Erin to hear. "So that's why you carried so much tension in your shoulders, eh? Trying to fit in with the heteros with such  _straight_ posture."

Erin burst out in relieved laughter. "Holtzmann, come on!"

"Sorry, baby doll, couldn't help it." Holtz winked. Even as she lay bruised and broken on the floor, she couldn't resist flirting with Erin. And, without warning, Erin was pulled into a kiss. Erin felt her heart explode in her chest. 

"Eh-ehm," Holtz and Erin were interrupted by the sound of Abby clearing her throat. Erin froze.  ** _Shit. I forgot Abby and Patty don't know yet._** She turned nervously to face her friends.

"Listen, Abby, Patty-" she stopped when she saw that both women were beaming. 

"You don't have to explain anything. We know." said Abby.

"Yeah, it's about time you two made it official." Patty added.

Erin blushed and smiled. They had known all along. They had known she was bisexual the entire time, and they didn't care. They loved her for who she was, not who she was attracted to.

"Alright, lovebirds, we should probably head out. Good thing the ambulances are here; I have the feeling Holtzy's going to need some medical attention." Abby moved to the other side of Holtzmann and helped Erin lift her so there wasn't as much weight on (what appeared to be) her broken leg. The women walked out to face the now cheering crowds. Erin kissed Jillian gently and sweetly. She was now with the woman of her dreams and the two best friends anyone could ask for, and the best part was that she did all of these things as herself. The world was finally meeting the real Erin Gilbert, and she couldn't be happier about it.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have much experience writing fanfiction, so any advice would be great. And please let me know what you thought! :)


End file.
